chemfreak74

92% Barack Obama
90% John Edwards
90% Hillary Clinton
86% Chris Dodd
81% Joe Biden
80% Bill Richardson
75% Mike Gravel
74% Dennis Kucinich
50% Rudy Giuliani
39% John McCain
32% Mitt Romney
31% Tom Tancredo
29% Mike Huckabee
19% Fred Thompson
11% Ron Paul

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

I loathe fear...or rather I loathe its ability to wreak havoc on my body despite my best attempts to ignore it. But then, that's always been my special curse, being so in tune with my body. I can stop myself from getting sick, merely by declaring that I won't and refusing the allow it to happen. And so only in times of great mental exhaustion do I get sick. Unfortunately it also means I feel my emotions, both mentally and physically. Happy feelings don't really change much, but the negative ones...ugh. The upset stomach, the vertigo, the feeling on weakness in all my limbs, that strange sensation of exhaustion where it feels like every inch of you is vibrating. And yet my blood sugar is fine and I've had enough sleep. Frustrating. Like now. I don't want to be afraid, and I'm so good at ignoring things that I don't even think I am afraid, until I realize how miserable my body is and I know that fear is festering in me, with or without my consent. I keep trying to rationalize things, thinking that the last two times, everything turned out all right and therefore I've got nothing to be afraid of. Why should this be any different? But there's that nagging though of "why shouldn't it be any different?" It only takes once. A million plans take flight without issue, but just one goes down. Why should it have been different from the others? But then why shouldn't it have been? It's all so much beyond my control, beyond human control.

I'm all packed up, just in case. Just waiting for the call. Some say it's liable to come tomorrow morning, some say the winds will keep it away and we need not worry. But no one can really predict it; even those who try can't be right 100% of the time. I'm not really much of one for material possessions. I have those things to which I am attached, things with memories, irreplaceable gifts, but in general, its all just stuff. I think it’s more the idea, the metaphysical concept of home and the fear of losing home that has me frightened. I don't want to be afraid, and part of me is just so tired of packing and unpacking and packing and... and having it all be for naught that I just want to not bother, but there's a part of me that thinks "there's a first time for everything" and that part of me is afraid. Not afraid like I'm afraid of the dark. A whole different kind of fear, one I'm not accustomed to.

I wasn't home when this all started, and where I was I couldn't see the smoke, though I wasn't so far from the fire. When my mom called in a panic today, I started off for home and it wasn't too far before I could see the haze on the horizon, the black plume of a structure fire not to far ahead and as I turned along 247, I could see the scorched areas where it had started towards the road. And then I looked off in the general direction of home, and all I could see was a giant, grey cloud of smoke billowing into the air, growing with every passing moment. I'm not much of one to cry, those who know me know that, but I started crying. Not loud, shoulder wrenching sobs, just tears, streaming unchecked down my cheeks. It was so scary, to realize that my home could be burning any moment, and I'd been hiding out, carefree, ignoring the threat and enjoying life. It just struck me all of a sudden and I was so scared and so helpless. I hate fear. It's ability to grasp a person, and leave them unsure of everything they know and every ounce of confidence they possess. I hate fear and its ability to make me feel sick. And I hate my inability to prevent it; my inability to stop myself from feeling fear.

But then, what are these but the ramblings of a frightened little girl, masquerading as a strong and independent woman. My mother told me today that I'm one of the most capable women she knows, how I don't need other people, and I'm so strong and never panic. I never panic, but I wish the rest were more true right now. I don't often feel less than the independent women I appear to be, but right now I feel like a child. So frightened, so helpless. I just want it to be over. I want the fire to go away and with it this fear and irrational feeling of weakness.

So I have no desire to have a livejournal, but Jenn made me do it... Maybe I'll update...maybe I won't...who knows yet.